Tuesday, February 25, 2014


“The question, RAYMOND, is:  what do you want to be?” - Tyler Durden, Fight Club

Like most beings that ever existed, I often dreamed of what I would do with my life.  The answer always seemed to change depending on the season:  athlete, actor, writer, or maybe even a hobbit.  Perhaps it was a product of being comfortable with always taking orders during my life, aiming to please, whether it be parents, siblings, coaches, teachers, whoever.  My problem was, I was drifting through life having no clue of where I stood in the working world.

The question I would get would often be:  “well...what do you like doing?  What are you passionate about?  Let’s start with that.”  These types of conversations typically ended without any significant answers:  
“I’m not sure everyone who ever wanted to be an actor became one...”  
“I don’t think anyone who was mediocre at best at sports in high school ever made it professionally.”  
“No, searching IMDb for a living isn’t sustainable.”

Maybe we all aren’t “tailor-made” for a specific profession.  I mean, certain people were destined:  Daniel Day-Lewis was destined to be an actor, Michael Jordan was destined to be arguably the greatest basketball player of all time, and the redhead from the Wendy’s commercials was destined to be smug, condescending, and just plain terrible.  But for most of us, the fragments of our destinies are there.  So maybe I wasn’t very good at the “big things.” Maybe I couldn’t do ONE thing great.  But perhaps if I could be pretty good at a variety of things, I could construct something.  Like the Statue of David, minus the micropenis.

I always enjoyed entertaining people and making them laugh.  I enjoyed knowledge.  I enjoyed working with others.  So it began...why not a teacher? Oftentimes when an important decision needs to be made, I become dicephalic...

I never liked school!
Why not?
I hated waking up early!
You know, you have to wake up for all jobs, right?
Shit...you’re right.
Yes, I know.
Well…they don’t really get paid much!
Plenty of professions don’t.  Do you remember your Discrete Math teacher from high school?
Mr. Ha-
Don’t use real names, otherwise people will find out your true identity.
It’s not who I am underneath!  But what I DOOOOOOO...
Ok, shut up.  He said “do something you enjoy.  The paychecks will become secondary.”
Yes.  That’s very cute.
Don’t be an ass.
You’re the ass.
Said the person who is conversing with himself?
Aw, hamburgers!

So it began...a destiny chosen.  I would become a teacher.  A middle school teacher to be exact.  And in my brief tenure thus far, I have encountered hundreds of students, 4th grade to 8th, urban to rural, Jewish, Hindu, Jehovah’s Witnesses, “firm” Christians, Atheists, black, white, Hispanic, Asian, no living parents, three sets of “parents,” charter schools, public schools, you get the idea.  And while the creed remains true that “no two children are the same,” there is, however, a common concept that unites them all:  they have all been taught by me, and they have created many, many hilarious memories.

And that, boys and girls, is the beginning of our journey.  Henceforth, this domain will be riddled with stories of students past and students present.  The tales are 100% true.

I am a teacher. I write down funny stories.  And I now share them with the world.

I hope you enjoy the ride...

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